The ‘Bad Daughter’ Syndrome: Navigating No-Contact with a Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) includes a host of characteristics that include things like a very incomplete and insecure sense of self for the disorder sufferer, a driving need for acceptance, admiration, and consideration above others, as well as a tendency to either entirely discount the needs and wants of others, or to find them personally offensive. Demanding attention and focus is common, and considering those close to them as extensions of themselves to be used to make themselves look better is also a key symptom.

When reading this description, it’s easy to see how disruptive NPD can be in a mother-daughter relationship. Daughters of narcissistic mothers can experience belittling of their appearances and accomplishments, be held to totally unrealistic expectations, treated as an accessory and extension of their mother instead of a separate and whole human being. 

Have you found yourself asking “Why am I the way I am?” with regards to your self-esteem, difficulty attempting new projects, or your drive to please people? Have you wondered how the family role you were forced into has impacted your life as an adult? Being raised by a narcissistic mother can lead to unknowingly extending what was demanded of you in childhood, into adulthood. Once you recognize you’re repeating these patterns in your adult relationships, your work, and your relationship with yourself, you’ll likely find that you want to make change.

Navigating No-Contact With A Narcissistic Mother

Being raised by a narcissistic mother can result in extreme people pleasing, isolation, worry and self-doubt in a daughter. This can extend far past childhood, impacting a daughter’s adulthood experience. It’s not uncommon, in the process of undoing the damage of being raised by a narcissistic mother, a daughter may choose to go no-contact with her mother. Cutting off contact may be the only way to properly heal and start moving forward, undoing toxic patterns and untangling yourself from your narcissistic mother once and for all.

Maintaining Boundaries When No-Contact

It can feel frightening to stick up for yourself by insisting on a boundary for your own wellbeing. You may feel like you’re a bad daughter, or a terrible person, for going no-contact. Please, reassure yourself, you are not a bad daughter or a terrible person for asking for what you need to heal. 

Navigating no-contact with a narcissistic mother may mean, at least at first, giving up holiday events, get-togethers, and more, if your family isn’t also cutting off contact with your narcissistic mother. You may have to schedule your own events to try to keep people in your life while maintaining no-contact. This can be tiring and saddening; your goal isn’t isolation, it’s freedom from the toxic difficulties you know are in store if you continue contact.

These struggles and feelings are normal for this situation. Stand firm, and stick up for yourself. Try to recruit supportive family and friends to help you work on the less supportive ones. Consider therapy for daughters of narcissistic mothers, as a place to strategize and seek support.

Going no-contact with your narcissistic mother may also make you miss your mother. This is reasonable, even with a negative relationship, as our bonds with our parents are strong. Take solace in the fact that it takes strength to do what you’re doing. You’re looking away from catering solely to your narcissistic mother and looking toward taking care of yourself. 

‘Bad Daughter’ Syndrome

When you go “no-contact” with a narcissistic mother, it can feel like you have a case of ‘Bad Daughter’ syndrome. You were raised in a way that didn’t allow you to set reasonable boundaries or express your opinions honestly, and so setting and maintaining a firm boundary around maintaining your own wellbeing can feel like you are doing something wrong, or bad. You may end up being told that directly by your narcissistic mother, or friends and family that aren’t willing to understand what being raised by a narcissistic mother is like.

You may find yourself asking questions, like “What if my parent gets sick?”, “What if I regret my decision?”, “What if I need my parent’s help?”, “What if it means I’m a terrible person?”. These questions are normal, a part of making a bold choice to center yourself. It may be most helpful to strategize with a therapist who specializes in therapy for daughters of narcissistic mothers, as they may have insights on these questions and how they directly impact you.

You may find that in the process of breaking out of toxic thought and action patterns that came along with being raised by a narcissistic mother, you find answers to these questions. You aren’t a terrible person or a bad daughter. You will be able to build community that can provide help when you need it. Going no-contact with your narcissistic mother gives you the space to build a world and a self that you truly want.

If you find that you’re truly concerned about a parental illness and want to help, you will be more able to help on your own terms instead of being pulled into a cycle of focusing solely on your narcissistic mother. And if you find you regret your decision, you can reverse it. You can reach out again. That said, you may find yourself quickly reminded of why you went no-contact, since that’s rarely a decision made lightly. And if your narcissistic mother decides to also go no-contact with you in retaliation, you can respect that boundary, as she should with yours (even if she does not, she should), and reach out in other directions for strength and support.

You do not have ‘Bad Daughter’ syndrome.  You are a whole person, looking to navigate no-contact with your narcissistic mother because of your needs and safety. It is healthy to set boundaries, it is normal to express your thoughts and stand behind them. Literally everyone has needs and has a moral right to ensure they’re met, and you are not bad for not making your narcissistic mother happy at the expense of your wellbeing. 

West Hartford Counseling And Coaching Can Support You As You Navigate No-Contact With A Narcissistic Mother

West Hartford Counseling and Coaching specializes in therapy for daughters of narcissistic mothers. We can help you navigate the emotional challenges of going no-contact and work with you to help you build a life you get to enjoy, fully, and for yourself, not for your narcissistic mother. Contact us today to set up a 15 minute consultation and see whether we’d be a good fit for your needs.