The Grandparent Dilemma
Do I want my child to have a relationship with their grandmother?
This is a question that is on every parent’s mind when it comes to having a narcissistic or borderline mother.
Becoming a mother can be one of the most grounding, transformative experiences in a woman’s life. But for those who were raised by a narcissistic mother, it can also stir up deep, unsettling questions.
Many parents feel like they don’t want to deprive their children of a relationship with their grandparent. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.
A Flicker of Hope
For some new mothers, there’s a flicker of hope: Maybe becoming a grandmother will soften her. Maybe she’ll finally be the loving, generous person I always wished she could be.
However, there is something else at play here, and the tactics your mom might use are important to understand. Remembering how she used methods to control you, to breach your boundaries, and create confusion is critical to understanding how she can manipulate your child.
Detouring and Tactics
Grandmothers might detour around you to get to your kids and turn them against you- and it begins when the child is really small.
Here is an example:
It’s your little one’s birthday, and you have a little get-together to celebrate. The cake comes out, and everyone sings happy birthday. Of course, everyone gets cake. But when the child wants another slice of cake and you say that they’ve had enough, but maybe they can have a piece for desert tomorrow, the grandmother might say, in a child-like voice "Oh, mommy is so mean. You can have another slice of cake.” She makes you the bad guy, planting the seeds by turning the child against you at a very young age.
Another tactic is to manipulate your children and compare your children with other people’s grandchildren, thus turning one grandchild against the other.
Your mom can also play favorites and project her shame or pride onto your child. Think of it as a grand-golden child and a grand-scapegoated child- an extension of how you were raised.
Grandmothers present well initially—charismatic, warm, even attentive. Especially in front of others, their friends.
Often, that performance has limits. And once the novelty wears off or the child becomes their own person, the narcissistic dynamics resurface: control, boundary violations, triangulation, emotional inconsistency, or covert criticism.
The Protective Instinct
Motherhood often activates something fierce: a deep protective instinct. The same daughter who was gaslit, criticized, or manipulated may now feel an urgent need to shield her own child from that same experience.
This is where the internal conflict begins. You may ask yourself:
Am I projecting my wounds onto my child, or seeing something real?
Will my child be okay with occasional contact?
What will I tell my child if I cut my mother out of their life?
Am I being unfair by setting a boundary?
It’s not uncommon to feel guilt, grief, doubt, or even fear of being judged by others—especially in a culture that idealizes the grandparent role.
Not All Narcissistic Grandmothers Are Overtly Cruel
Not all narcissistic grandmothers are overtly cruel or obviously toxic to a young child. Sometimes, the damage is subtle and slow-building—backhanded compliments, comparing siblings or cousins, undermining parental authority, using gifts as leverage, or turning the child into an emotional confidant.
In other words, the behavior that harmed you may take a different shape with your child—but the underlying dynamic often remains.
This doesn’t mean you have to go no-contact. It just means that any decision around contact deserves to be made thoughtfully, not out of pressure or obligation.
Questions You Can Ask Yourself
There are no perfect answers, but there are questions you can ask yourself to make informed decisions.
Do I trust my mother to respect my parenting choices and boundaries?
Has she shown any ability to take accountability for past behavior?
Am I introducing my child to someone who will value them—or someone who will use them?
What version of the story would I want my child to understand if they grow up and ask why their relationship with Grandma was limited?
Sometimes it helps to imagine:
If this were anyone else— a family friend or in-law—would I allow this behavior around my child?
Choices
The truth is, you get to choose.
You’re allowed to limit contact, supervise visits, delay introductions, or say “not right now.” You’re allowed to observe first—and act later. You’re allowed to protect your peace, even if that means disappointing others.
You’re not being overdramatic. You’re not being vindictive. You’re being a mother. A cycle-breaker. A protector.
You Are Not Alone
If you find yourself wrestling with this decision, know that you are not alone. Many mothers who come from narcissistic homes walk this tightrope between compassion and caution.
Whatever you decide—limited contact, no contact, supervised visits, or delayed introductions—make it from a place of self-trust, not fear or guilt. Your job isn’t to manage your mother’s feelings. It’s to raise your child in an environment of safety, respect, and emotional clarity.
And sometimes, that begins with saying no to the very things you were never allowed to say no to as a child.
If you’re having difficulty, schedule a free 15 minute consult to see how I can help.