Already Anxious for the Holidays Ahead?
The holiday season is upon us, which means it’s time once again to gear up for another season of family togetherness! But what if staying home during the holidays or being with your toxic family harms your mental health? Being in a complex relationship with narcissistic or borderline parents is exhausting all year round. Yet, the holidays are a time of year when our dysfunctional family dynamics become even more apparent. You too?
If you want to prepare for making holiday plans with your toxic family, have little to no contact with your narcissistic parent, or feel compelled to visit them frequently, you will benefit from reading this (and honestly, signing up for individual therapy with an expert in narcissistic abuse). The following information will help you plan safely and mentally prepare yourself for what lies ahead.
How would you describe that feeling you get in your gut when you think about heading to your parents for the holidays? Would you call it dread? Anxiety?
A person’s anxiety can be triggered by various circumstances, including stress or discomfort; however, there may be more to it than just anxiety. For example, you may be experiencing emotional distress due to painful, traumatic experiences. If you examine those experiences closely, you might discover that they created your fears.
Several factors distinguish anxiety from trauma, including:
The Presence of a Precipitating Event: Anxiety can occur due to life changes. Specific events (and series of occurrences) trigger trauma reactions.
The Source of Distress: Traumatic reactions are rooted in the past (where something traumatizing has changed your outlook on the world), while anxiety is characterized by uncertainty about the future (the triggering event in question has not yet taken place).
The Difference of Thought Patterns: During a trauma reaction, you may have flashbacks or ideas about the possibility that appear out of nowhere. With anxiety, however, you’ll usually get a series of ideas from different places, one after another.
How to Safely Prepare to Make Plans You Know You’ll Struggle Through
The holidays are just around the corner. Your plans may include seeing your narcissistic parent or generally toxic family system. Take a deep breath, and be patient with yourself. Now is the time to prepare mentally for what lies ahead and be realistic about your expectations. As you give yourself this one to prepare for what is coming next, remember to practice compassion for yourself. If you become overwhelmed when planning or your holiday memories become painful, it is okay to stop what you are doing.
As a checklist and handy reminder, the following list is an excellent tool for mental preparation.
Narcissistic parents always attempt to keep up appearances, even around other family members. Others may not see or understand the struggle that you have with your parent, and that is okay.
Remember that your parent is responsible for their actions, not yours.
Get ready: Practice ways to deal with narcissistic remarks from your parent. Remember to edit your words with them. An example. Your parent or monkey: Hi Susie! So good to see you! So what’s new in your life? What have you been up to?” A helpful response could be something along the lines of “Not too much, just moving along. How are you?” Don’t give them ammunition or an opening to insert their opinion or comments. Keep everything very vague and push the conversation back to them. If they ask how your friends are, do not get into interactions you have had with them, what you did with your friends, where you went, etc. They could ask intrusive questions, for example, “How are your friends? Have you seen them lately? How are their parents?” In response to their probing, an example of a reply would be to say that your friend, parent, etc are fine not too much going on. Edit heavily.
Take time with friends and family you trust during the holidays, and make these relationships a priority.
Prepare neutral conversation starters before attending any family gathering.
Remember that you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. If things get too stressful, let your parent or other toxic people that you are going on a phone and social media diet and block them until you feel as if you can reengage.
Consider whether attending the event is necessary, especially if you feel going will trigger you. Keep yourself safe and only do what feels right for you.
Journaling will help you process your emotions during the holiday season. Holidays can trigger painful memories, so journaling will help you release them (and remember what to talk about in your next individual therapy session)
Make sure that you incorporate parts of your daily routine and some of your favorite hobbies into your holiday schedule.
What are the Signs it’s Time to Go No-contact?
The decision to enter into a no-contact relationship can be scary on many levels. There could be a part of you that loves them, and a part that doesn’t. Walking away would give you so much peace, but still, your family is your bedrock because it is all you know, and walking away from that could feel like you are really and truly alone.
It isn’t an easy decision, and the reasons can be extremely nuanced. You might feel a sense of responsibility to stay in touch with them; you might feel like you have to be in touch with them because if you walked away, they might say awful things about you to their friends, acquaintances, etc.
They may try to get you back into the fold by being nice again, doing things that feel good, that feels loving and kind—but remember that those are just manipulations give them the other chance they’ve asked for. You don’t owe them your presence. As difficult as it might be, It’s an important time to prioritize yourself.
It might be time to go no contact if you have seen the following signs, and time to stop interacting with the narcissist in your life:
There is a disregard for your boundaries
They make you feel overwhelmed, shocked, or hypervigilant
They don’t care about your needs
Manipulation or gaslighting is regularly used to prevent you from leaving
When you attempt to reason with them, they resist or respond violently
They shame and blame you
When anxiety takes over your life
Can You Overcome Narcissistic Abuse Through Therapy?
Absolutely. We cannot emphasize enough how important it is to seek individual therapy during the holidays, especially if you are trying to navigate the holidays with narcissistic or borderline parents. Therapy offers many benefits. Here are a few:
Learn about and understand narcissistic traits and how narcissists manipulate others
Understand the ways they have hurt you and your abuse-related wounds
Build skills for how to survive the holiday season
Learn how to work through whatever conflicting thoughts you may be having about your parent
Develop coping skills and learning how to set boundaries
Instill a sense of confidence that you can rebuild your life
Learn and cultivate tools to strategize your way through complex situations.
Let us help you or a loved one cope with the holiday season with low or no contact from a narcissistic parent! Give us a call today to schedule a free consultation!