Keeping Your Sanity: Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother During Wedding Planning.
We often think that it is a given that weddings are exciting to plan- going dress shopping, planning showers, inviting friends to do fun activities- weddings are joyful celebrations of love. But if your mother has narcissistic or borderline traits, planning your big day can feel more like navigating a minefield than walking down the aisle.
If this is your reality, I want you to know something right away: you’re not alone. And you're not wrong for feeling conflicted, excited, and heartbroken, hopeful and deeply anxious. All of that makes sense when someone who’s supposed to support you becomes a major source of stress, frustration, and disappointment.
Dealing With A Narcissistic / Borderline Mother During Wedding Planning
Planning a wedding when your mom is narcissistic or borderline is fraught. Your mother, or other family members, may push you to “play nice” for the sake of appearances. She may try to insert herself into every aspect of the wedding, practically making the event hers instead of focusing on you and your partner. There is a good possibility you will have to manage her moods and feelings as you make your way through your planning process. You may feel like you have to please her or she will turn her back on you. You may feel like you’ll get in trouble if you make a choice that might make her angry.
The patterns you grew up with, from having a narcissistic mother, can play a big part in how you approach adult tasks, including planning your wedding. However, these patterns of invalidation, leaving you to question your needs and wants, are not permanent or absolutes. You are allowed to have a beautiful wedding, one that you can feel excited about planning, no matter what your mom might do or say.
Make Sure To Remember To Do 1 Thing Intentionally Every Day….Breathe.
When you're anxious, your sympathetic nervous system goes into high gear, activating fight or flight. Your heart will race, you might experience shallow breathing. There is good reason you might feel this way. Planning a wedding is stressful on a good day, with a supportive mom!
Deep, intentional breathing brings your body into rest and digest mode. This is your parasympathetic nervous system at work. When you take deep, quiet, and intentional breathing, your heart rate will slow down, your muscles will relax, and more oxygen will flow to your brain.
When you start to get anxious, notice your body in your chair, then imagine taking 3 slowww deep breaths- in through your nose, suspending your breath at the top, then exhaling slowly. Box Breathing (inhaling for 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4, inhaling for 4, etc) is another way to slow down and center.
Focus On You And Your Partner.
The most important thing is knowing what you want for your wedding. Your wedding is all about honoring and celebrating both of you. Keeping this at the front of your mind can help you in moments when your mom is trying to draw you into an all too familiar feeling of being drawn into a toxic vortex essentially putting her front and center. You’re building a new family for yourself, and you and your partner get to decide what that will look like.
Now, How to Manage Wedding Planning With Your Narcissistic Mother.
Sometimes, it’s unavoidable to involve your narcissistic mother in wedding planning tasks. Having a plan on how to cope with your narcissistic mother frees you from past cycles and habits, while protecting you from having your entire wedding consumed by your mother’s narcissistic behaviors.
1. Give Your Narcissistic Mother A Set Task
If you find yourself needing to involve your mother in wedding planning, pick a task or two, and ask her to help with them. Make sure they’re tasks you don’t have a huge attachment to, as she will likely make these tasks all about her, but it may be an effective way to keep her busy, out of your way, and ensure she feels engaged enough to not give you a hard (or harder) time.
2. Only Share As Much Information As You Want
Decide for yourself what your boundary is for how much information on your wedding your narcissistic mother will get. You’re allowed to keep details to yourself, and to only share information after decisions have been made and things are finalized. Limiting how much participation is actually possible can be a helpful way to cope with a narcissistic mother during wedding planning.
3. Make A Plan For How To Defend Your “No”
When wedding planning with your narcissistic mother, don’t engage in her attempts to start power struggles. Statements of fact are final statements and explanations are not required. You do what you do because that’s what you want and that’s all there is to it. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, this is not a mindset that is easy to maintain, so try to remind yourself regularly. Your decisions are sound, you are doing what’s right for you, and your boundaries are worth enforcing.
I’m Here To Help You Cope With Your Narcissistic Mother
The boundaries you establish around planning your wedding are barriers against distress and difficulty. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, while you may be pushed to feel otherwise, you have every right to set boundaries, and every right to enforce them. Coping with a narcissistic mother is not easy, but it is possible! I offer comprehensive therapy as well as coaching groups for brides-to-be that aim to support your work to establish yourself and your needs as the primary consideration during large life moments like your wedding.