Having a Baby and Dealing with Narcissistic Grandparents: Strategies for Parents

Having a baby? Congratulations! Worried about how to deal with your narcissistic parents when they become grandparents? Fear not!

Your concerns are well founded. You know firsthand the damage of narcissistic parenting, and while you may have spent time arming yourself with strategies for dealing with your narcissistic parents as an adult, bringing a child into a family with narcissistic grandparents means a potential for repeating old toxic patterns that harmed you. It may also mean creation of new toxic patterns that cause further harm, both to you and your child. 

Family Dynamics Do Not Have to Repeat; You Can Break The Cycle

There are two sets of parents in the equation here; you and your co-parent, and your narcissistic parents. It’s worth paying attention to how old family dynamics may play out when your narcissistic parents become narcissistic grandparents. It’s also worth paying attention to the dynamics you establish in your own immediate family as you become a parent. You’ve probably already realized you want something different for your child, where they’re acknowledged as a separate person with their own wants, needs, and personality. You may find child rearing an opportunity to break the cycles of narcissistic enmeshment.

That said, your parents may not see you having a child as the same opportunity. They may, wittingly or unwittingly, fall back into patterns of assuming your child exists to serve their bottomless need for validation, recognition, and emotional management. They may also demand more of you; your parenting may be something they feel is a direct reflection on them, and they may attempt to take over, criticize, or undermine your parenting style and preferences. 

What are you to do to avoid being sucked into old cycles with a new family member? We have laid out here a few strategies for parents dealing with narcissistic grandparents.

Strategies For Parents Dealing With Narcissistic Grandparents

• What kind of relationship do you want your child to have with your narcissistic parents?

You have an opportunity to decide now; when it comes to your narcissistic parents, what are the hard boundaries? What do you actually want for your child, with regards to their relationship with their narcissistic grandparents? It may feel foreign to you to decide something specifically for yourself and your growing family, without taking into consideration what your narcissistic parents would think or decide for you. I encourage you to specifically choose to do this. Decide what works best for your family, and what boundaries should be established early. It’s also worth planning what you’ll do if your boundaries are crossed. Knowing first what you want and what you’ll do to ensure you’re getting it for your family can help you when your child arrives.

• What is the cutoff point?

In addition to deciding what boundaries you have and how you’ll be enforcing them, it’s critical to decide, at what point will you decide the narcissistic grandparents no longer have access to your child? You have an opportunity here to protect your child from the toxic cycles and behaviors you weren’t protected from as a child. That can include contact with your narcissistic parents, but does not have to, Give yourself permission to, even if you can’t do it for yourself, decide on a no-contact point that benefits your child. 

• Present a united front.

You and your co-parent set the tone, and should do your best to be on the same page as each other when it comes to what boundaries there are around any narcissistic grandparents in your child’s life. One parent saying “yes” and one parent saying “no” creates a crack that narcissistic grandparents can insert themselves into in ways you may find difficult and unappealing. Talking with your spouse or co-parent beforehand about boundaries, and what to do when they’re crossed, is an excellent strategy for dealing with your child’s narcissistic grandparents.

• Acknowledge your feelings.

There may be some complex feelings that arise for you as you become a parent, and see your parents as grandparents to your child. Depending on the situation, it can be painful to see your narcissistic parent be more caring or generous with your child. On the other hand, it can be painful to see your child getting less than what they deserve in terms of love and care from their narcissistic grandparents. If you’re no-contact with your child’s narcissistic grandparents, it can be painful to see and feel that void in your and your child’s life. Acknowledge these feelings; they’re real, and difficult, and worth recognizing as part of coping with having narcissistic parents.

• Weigh your own well being along with that of your child.

You may find people pressuring you to kiss and make up for the sake of the kid. This may come from the narcissistic grandparents themselves, well-intended family members, or society in general. Remember this; if your parents respected you, they’d respect your boundaries. Expressing a need for space, for a particular parenting method, or for a family that works a particular way, is not an overstep. It’s normal. If you need less contact or involvement of your narcissistic parents in your life, that need matters, even if it comes at the expense of your child having time with or experiences with their narcissistic grandparents. That loss can be made up in healthier ways, such as asking your friends or other family members to step into the grandparent role.

Remember, above all, this is your immediate family. You’re building it as you see fit, and that is a good thing. Working with these strategies for parents dealing with narcissistic grandparents can set you up for success in your family’s emotional wellbeing.

Ready To Reach Out For More Support? West Hartford Counseling & Coaching LLC Can Help

Planning for a new child in your life involves many moving parts. Planning for parenting when your child will have narcissistic grandparents includes some extra considerations. Finding support in creating your plans and defending your boundaries can make dealing with your narcissistic parents, once your child arrives, easier and healthier. West Hartford Coaching and Counseling LLC offers a variety of therapy services to support you as you decide what’s best for you and your family. 

Contact me anytime via my website to set up a free 15 minute consultation session, or call 860-385-1574. I’d love to speak to you to see if the services I offer would be a good fit for your needs.