Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Are You Already Worrying About Mother’s Day?
Mother’s Day is May 14th this year, a few months away, but if you’re the daughter of a narcissistic mother, it may feel like it will be here in no time. On top of the pressures that come from the narcissist in your life, facing a national holiday that calls on us all to celebrate our mother, can feel like fuel being added to the stress fire. You may find yourself already worrying about how to make it through Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother, with your sense of self and sanity intact.
You may be no- or low-contact with your mother, or wish you could be. Mother’s Day can feel like you’re being shoved toward, and over, a boundary. Or, you may be anticipating that each effort you make toward celebrating Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother will be another chance to be pulled into toxic and difficult relationship patterns you’re trying to let go.
You may find yourself wondering, “What will be asked or demanded of me this time?” Perhaps a better question to ask is, “How can I balance the demands of Mother’s Day with what I actually need, what’s actually possible for me?”
Mother’s Day With A Narcissistic Mother; Why Is It So Stressful?
Narcissists demand we center them in our lives at all times. And Mother’s Day—a day that finds anyone from your coworkers, to your family, to the calendar itself—pushing you to center your narcissistic mother even further, can feel particularly alienating. You may be facing a traumatic repeat of childhood patterns, where your needs and wants were considered inferior or nonexistent. Being pushed to put yourself to the side again, to pretend everything is alright, as well as being pushed to glorify your narcissistic mother, can feel like a push too far.
That said, finding ways to navigate Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother, while maintaining your own wellbeing, is always worth the effort, because you are always worth the effort. You’re not alone in feeling that Mother’s Day is a tough holiday, and I’ve put together a list of self-care tips to carry you through, and ease the burden of expectation on Mother’s Day.
Self-Care Tips for Mother’s Day With A Narcissistic Mother
1. Do You Feel the Need to Celebrate Mother’s Day At All?
First thing’s first. You are the one deciding how you manage this day. You are always welcome to simply ignore Mother’s Day. Are you no-contact with your narcissistic mother? Perfect, feel free to maintain that! Do you simply not have it in you to try to celebrate when you know you’re going to be drawn into a damaging situation? You don’t need our permission—but you certainly have it—to skip observing the day entirely.
That said, you may need more than just prompting to skip celebrating Mother’s Day.
2. Strategize with your therapist
Therapy for daughters of narcissistic mothers is invaluable, and a therapist can be a great help in strategizing for a difficult holiday like Mother’s Day. You and your therapist develop a working relationship that frees you from familial and social judgment cycles while giving you space to explore your own needs and wants. Be honest, be ruthless, let it all hang out in terms of what you need to manage Mother’s Day with your narcissistic mother. Centering yourself can be easier to practice in therapy. You’ve spent a lifetime with a narcissist urging you to suppress your needs; working with a therapist is a great way to help yourself truly flourish, on tough holidays in particular.
3. Communicate, but only as much as you actually want
Does it feel like you can’t avoid doing something for Mother’s Day? It can be hard to get to the point of saying “No” to expectations. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself by shooting off a quick text, sending a generic card, or keeping a phone call short, boring, and sweet when trying to observe Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother. A small gesture at a distance, when you are required to do something, is a healthy way to fulfill an expectation without sucking you into unhealthy interactions.
Can’t get out of an in-person celebration? Keep topics light and generic, ignoring barbs and attempts at emotional power struggles, and give yourself a time limit for the interaction. Arm yourself with a generic reason for leaving (“I have to prep for work” is hard to argue with, and hard to disprove!). Your mental health is worth shielding from the pull of a narcissistic mother, and putting in just as much effort as you’re comfortable with, and no more, is exactly how to best care for you.
4. Spend the day with family you enjoy
Do you have an aunt, a grandmother, a sister, a cousin, who you’re close to? What about chosen family; a friend or five who are part of your squad and always there for you? Turning Mother’s Day into a day to celebrate family, blood related or found, can be a joyous way to turn a stressful holiday on its head while still celebrating the spirit of the day.
Write kind letters and send flowers to those who have a supportive impact on your life in a way a mother might. Plan a brunch with those people you actually want in your life, and enjoy their company. Translate the traditions of the day into new traditions with people who fill your love cup, instead of spending time with a narcissistic mother who will drain it.
5. Celebrate yourself
Reparenting is tough! You’ve put in the work, so reframe Mother’s Day as a day to celebrate yourself. Your efforts in reparenting, boundary setting, therapy attendance, and more are all ways you’ve cared for yourself, and continue to.
Instead of trying to overcome the stress of Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother, celebrate that self-care. Consider enjoying breakfast in bed, made by you, just for you. Make yourself a powerhouse playlist to celebrate you, with songs like Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers” and Lizzo’s “Special”. Treat yourself to a bouquet, a gift, a relaxing bath, a good book, a night out on the town. Whatever makes you feel like you’re being rewarded for your work in caring for you.
West Hartford Counseling & Coaching Can Help, on Holidays, and Every Day
Arming yourself with self-care tips that best suit you, in preparation for Mother’s Day with a narcissistic mother, can be a kind and loving way to support yourself through a difficult time. Support can come in other forms too; therapy for daughters with narcissistic mothers is available, and West Hartford offers comprehensive therapy with the goal of helping you get back to the joyful, fulfilled self you may have lost along the way.
For more information on my practice, or to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, contact me on my website or call 860-385-1574. Please remember, doing what’s right for you every day, and especially on Mother’s Day, is worth the effort.