Navigating Complex Grief as a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother: Coping with Loss and Estrangement
Unfortunately, estrangement is a not uncommon outcome of having a narcissistic mother, and with it comes the painful feelings of grief, loss, uncertainty, and more. Grieving the relationship you had, and the relationship you could have had, is often an ongoing part of the no-contact arrangement you put into place as the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
That grief can become even more complicated at the death of your narcissistic mother, or even from the smaller death of losing her presence in your life. Coping with loss and estrangement in times of sickness, death, or ailing health can be difficult, especially when considering how complicated a situation it is simply to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Grief is difficult to deal with even when it is processed fully. Grief that gets hung up on complexity—such as grieving an estranged parent that you had conflicting feelings about—can get complex.
Navigating Complex Grief
What Is Complex Grief?
Complex grief is strong grief that extends past the “acute” phase of a grief cycle. It means that grief continues for someone with the same sharpness and sadness as the initial loss, for a long time. Instead of finding acceptance or closure, some people get lost in their grief and experience significant distress, for an extended period of time. It can require counseling to overcome, as well as making changes to help break the cycle.
How Might Complex Grief Impact Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers?
Daughters can have very complicated experiences with their narcissistic mothers. Some memories will be very happy, some experiences will be good. The promise of a relationship that is as it should be can live in these memories and experiences, and make it difficult to reconcile the aftermath of the damage a narcissistic mother can do, with these glimpses of possibility.
With the passing away of your narcissistic mother, complicated and difficult feelings can evolve into a grief that does not let you move forward. You may find yourself having a series of reactions, over and over.
You may find yourself relieved or even happy at the elimination of a massive stressor in your life. That could lead to guilt and shame at what you think you should feel at the death of your mother.
You may find yourself feeling deep sorrow at her passing that lasts longer than you’d expect. You may find yourself saddened by the loss of possibility of reconciliation, and frustrated with yourself for entertaining that thought since it wasn’t an option when your narcissistic mother was alive.
You may feel numb, unable to feel much at all, as the loss of your narcissistic mother is more complicated emotionally than you can handle at the time.
You may find yourself stuck with a prolonged sense of disbelief at the actual death of your narcissistic mother, a known symptom of complex grief.
You may find yourself questioning what you did when your narcissistic mother was still alive, whether you did the right things or tried hard enough to engage with her. You may have difficulty focusing on the present instead of the past.
You may find yourself swinging back and forth between these and many other strong and challenging feelings at the loss of your narcissistic mother. Your relationship with her was complicated in life, and your relationship with grief at her death can be even more complex.
How to Cope With Complex Grief After Estrangement From A Parent
Please know that while navigating complex grief after the passing of your narcissistic mother is very difficult, it isn’t permanent, and you can take steps to help end this process for you. Much like coping with having a narcissistic mother when she’s alive, coping with the loss and estrangement of a parent is a process. It’s a process you can take deliberate steps to guide, as well.
Accept Yourself In The Process
The huge range of feelings you may experience—from sadness to shame, fear, relief, happiness, deep sorrow, and more—are all pretty normal feelings to encounter. Allow yourself to experience your feelings completely, instead of trying to intellectualize them or push them away. Accept yourself as you are at any given moment in this process; you are a whole human and will have a whole human experience in times of grief and loss like this. There is no “should” in grief. There is only how you respond, and accepting that response.
That said, you do not have to withstand the distress of grief for all time. It is possible to accept yourself in your process, while also guiding the process. It’s important to extend yourself grace; you aren’t doing anything wrong, and you aren’t doing things the “wrong” way. Your feelings are what they are, they have origins in your experiences, and they aren’t something you need to feel ashamed of.
Surround Yourself With Understanding People
You may find that some people in your life have expectations of how you navigate this process, especially people who did not have an understanding perspective of your relationship with your narcissistic mother when she was alive. These people are not the ones to look to for community as you navigate complex grief. It can feel very isolating to surround yourself with people who do not understand, and being isolated when coping with loss and estrangement from a parent is a recipe for prolonged sadness and stress.
People who aren’t understanding are people to set basic boundaries with, about how much of your grieving process you share with them. If someone can’t be supportive and accepting of your expanse of grief responses, they aren’t someone to lean on.
Find people in your life, friends, other family members, group therapy members, an individual therapist, that are accepting of your process and believe you, both about how you feel now in your grieving process and about your relationship with your narcissistic mother. Healing is easier when working through difficult memories and thoughts with people around you who are supportive. Being present is also a lot easier when there are people in your life to socialize with, make plans with, and generally share good times with. Building a store of decent, simple, good experiences with people you enjoy can be a very helpful way to navigate complex grief.
Find A Route To Closure
You may find it cathartic to choose your own way of memorializing your narcissistic mother. This could take all kinds of forms. You could create a tribute to the good memories you have with her. You could do a releasing process for yourself, letting go symbolically of the difficulties you’re carrying from your relationship with her. You could do something specifically for yourself, as a way to refocus on yourself instead of focusing on the narcissistic mother that demanded focus your entire life. Any, or all, of these, are ways you can take hold of your feelings and experiences and put them into the world in a way that makes sense to you.
You aren’t a bad person for feeling resentment at the actions of your narcissistic mother. You may consider, however, finding a way to put aside that resentment. Not for the benefit of her, but for the benefit of you. Finding a way to put down a burden that isn’t yours to carry anymore can be a way to peace and healing. Facing the death of your narcissistic mother and memorializing it in a way that makes sense to you can be a step toward relieving some of the resentment that has rightfully developed throughout your life.
Focus on Yourself As A Way To Navigate Complex Grief
Grief counseling is a special segment of therapy and can include one-on-one therapy, as well as group therapy. This focused support can be very helpful to feel less alone and to be around people all processing similar experiences, in ways that make the most sense to them. Grief counseling, or focusing on your grief with your therapist if you have one already, can both be helpful ways to navigate complex grief.
Focusing on your mental and physical well-being through activities like exercise, time in nature, and making sure to eat when you are able, can all help bring you into the present and out of the intense cycle of complex grief. If it is too difficult to do these things alone, try to have friends join you, either in person or as someone to cheer you on from afar in the little things in life. Reach out around you, you’ll be surprised how many people are happy to help.
Find ways to reconnect with yourself, outside of your grief, as a way to ground yourself while grieving. Consider journaling, a way to pour out all your thoughts with no judgment or prying eyes. Consider a meditation practice or yoga, as a way to connect your breathing to your body, and your body to your mind, in the present, in a way that requires enough focus to pull yourself out of your grief, even if only for a moment.
West Hartford Counseling & Coaching Offers Therapy To Help Cope With Loss And Estrangement Of A Parent
Complex grief is just that, complex. You may find your experience of grieving the death of your narcissistic mother is more drawn out and difficult than you expected, and may find yourself experiencing a host of feelings in the meantime. There are ways to climb out of the grief cycle and heal, and West Hartford Counseling & Coaching LLC offers therapy that can help you find these ways. Contact us for a 15 minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit to help you along the way in your process of navigating complex grief.