Ten Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Your Difficult Family
The holidays will undoubtedly bring us pressure and challenges, especially if we plan to spend time with family. Unfortunately, the holiday season may also mean reuniting with toxic family members, which might elevate your level of stress. As a result, you may feel nervous, confused, or anxious about how you will deal with toxic family members during the holidays. Here are some suggestions to help support you as you move through the holiday season.
#1 Anticipate
Just because you have had to participate in family gatherings every year around this time, it doesn’t change the way you feel about this upcoming holiday season. If you feel anxious, worried, or drained at the thought of having to be with family members around the holidays, anticipating what you may experience beforehand can help you prepare a plan to keep yourself safe and help you manage situations when they come up.
#2 Know your limitations.
It’s important to be strategic when dealing with a narcissistic/borderline family system around the holidays. You may not feel like you can spend the entire day with your family. That’s ok. You don’t have to stay. Know that you can always remove yourself from the situation or event. Your peace is most important.
#3 Practice your boundaries.
Sometimes, it can feel scary to assert your boundaries, but here are a few ways to practice them quietly around the holidays. 1: Be selective about what information you share with your family about yourself and your life. 2: Don’t engage with a narcissistic/borderline parent. They may tease you or try and pick a fight with you. 3: If they do, try not to take the bait. You can just redirect the conversation.
#4 Set a time limit and control what you can control.
A great thing to do when you know you are expected at a family holiday gathering is to set a time limit. You can let your family know you can attend the gathering from, for example, between 10 a.m to 2 p.m and leave.
If this isn’t something you feel comfortable doing, you can always go, take a break from a conversation if you feel uncomfortable. Whether you just need some fresh air or decide to leave altogether, it’s your call.
If you’re flying in to join family and can afford it, renting a car when you arrive at your destination. This way, you will have your own place to stay and more control to decide when to arrive and when to leave. If possible, book your own accommodation so you can fully decompress before a new day begins.
#5 Bring a partner or a close friend so you always have someone on your side who has your back.
While this may not be possible for every situation, having your partner or a close friend to validate the struggle with your narcissistic mother or father-in-law can be invaluable. It’ll be important not to turn the event into an attempt to prove or justify your toxic relationship, but at the very least, their presence will help you feel safe and seen.
#6 Give yourself something to look forward to after spending the holiday with your family.
After spending time around family, treat yourself. It might be as simple as going home to decompress. Maybe it will feel good to change into comfortable clothes ( I hear you on throwing the sweats on!) cozy up on the couch, and watch your favorite holiday movie- or plan a movie marathon of your favorite holiday hits. Sometimes, just finding solace in the quiet of your home is the best, most restorative thing you can do.
#7 Make new traditions
It may be too triggering to be with your family during the holidays, and that’s okay. Nothing says you have to spend the holidays with your family the way you’ve had to in the past. If it feels too difficult, survival may mean starting new holiday traditions with your chosen family and friends.
#8 Be kind to yourself
It’s hard to relax when you know you’ll have to spend time with hurtful people. However, it might feel good to do some yoga, take a bath, or go for a walk before you have to head out. It will be important to be gentle with yourself and to be kind to yourself before the holiday get-togethers begin.
#9 It’s okay to feel anxious and worried
You might have many aspects of yourself that are very anxious and worried about jumping into spending the holidays with family. Remember that it’s okay to feel anxious and worried. It’s normal. Think of the parts of you that are anxious and worried as your inner children. Let these parts know that you’re there with them, that they’re safe, and that you will get through it together.
#10 Connect with a therapist.
The most helpful thing you can do before and after time spent with your family over the holidays is to talk to your therapist. As a team, you can identify your triggers, organize your emotions, develop a strategy, and then talk about how things turn out when you return. Don’t have a therapist but feel like you would benefit from therapy to navigate the holiday season? Accessing therapy has never been easier. I’m here to help.
I know it’s not always easy to advocate for yourself or assert your boundaries or exit strategy, especially when visiting your family with narcissistic or borderline tendencies. Especially during the holidays, when images of happy family gatherings surround you, the process may feel even more daunting, frustrating, or isolating. I want to remind you that you can always say no and choose to create holidays that suit your tastes with your own chosen family and friends.
Whether you are struggling to establish boundaries with your family or feeling overwhelmed by upcoming difficult conversations, there’s no point in surrounding yourself with those who want to hurt you. I would love to help you find peace about your relationships with your family. If you would like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, use the link below.